Being a Reflective Parent

If there is one thing that can make a big difference to how well you interact with your child, it is your capacity for reflection. By this I mean your ability to identify your needs from that of your child’s.

Our individual needs are expressed through how we think, feel and behave. Likewise, our children have their own independent responses and needs.

At times it can feel like your child is deliberately being difficult. That’s not to say they can’t detect times when we are feeling tired or distracted.

Mothers with high reflective function are curious about what is going for their children. They understand that their wellbeing has a direct impact but it is not to blame.

 Let’s look at some typical examples of how good reflective function would be helpful.

Everyone’s been woken in the middle of the night by a crying baby. What’s going on for baby? Are they deliberately trying to interrupt your sleep or have they woken due to hunger, a nightmare, transition to a new sleep routine, pain/sickness etc. It is our job to provide support to resettle back to sleep. This is going to be hard to do if we are tired, up every night, feel ineffective with the strategies being used or resentful. By asking ourselves what is baby trying to say? This will allow us to respond accurately and confidently.    

Similarly, when siblings are fighting and we are trying to cook dinner. Pause and ask yourself what is driving this scenario? We are all tired and hungry. My attention is elsewhere. They may have had a bad day at child care or school. Siblings have a knack for knowing how to set each other off. If we can respond from a perspective of understanding, we will not only be more effective but we are modelling to our children good coping skills. Which in turns helps them learn how to deal with big emotions.

So, the next time you’re feeling angry, anxious, guilty or overwhelmed by a parenting moment, pause for a moment and check in with yourself. Get into the habit of saying to yourself what is my child trying to tell me through their behaviour?