Learning to be a More Responsive Parent
Before having kids your aspirational self hoped you’d always be a responsive parent. No one sets out to be reactive and act impulsively, yell or snap when your child misbehaves. Parenting is laden with emotion and we soon learn that our children can set off all sorts of reactions in us. Whether you keep yourself in check at work, at some point on your parenting journey, you will find yourself managing challenging behaviour. So how do we learn to slow down, take a few breaths and find our inner calm?
One trigger for reactive parenting is fatigue followed closely by distracted or frustrated. When we are tired or preoccupied with our own stuff, it’s hard to find the patience to see the child’s perspective. Yet depending on the age, stage and personality of your child, there is likely to be a logical reason for their behavior. I have discussed in an earlier blog the importance of self-care. Our best parenting occurs when we have a full tank. So if you are feeling in need of a break, start by changing your self talk to acknowledging its importance and plan your next break.
Take time to reflect afterwards. See yourself as a researcher and try to find patterns or contributing factors. For example children have limited ability to cope with fatigue, hunger, changes in routine and seek attention as a means of communicating their needs. Sometimes stopping for a snack or having a quiet day at home can really make a difference.
On a deeper level our children can trigger unresolved issues in us. These are the times we feel strong feelings of anger, helplessness or hurt born out of unresolved issues from our past. Common triggers are when your child is upset or disobeys you; you are taken back to how you were parented. If you were not allowed to express negative emotions or challenge authority, then your unresolved anger or hurt will be misdirected at your child. Knowing when you’ve been triggered allows you to be more conscious of separating your own emotions from your child’s. That way we have a chance to offer them the gift of it being okay to express all emotions both positive and negative.
