Mentalisation - A key to Separating Self from your Child

This fancy word is defined a process by which you hold your own mind and someone else’s at the same time.  Being able to do this towards your child allows you to be more able to attend sensitively to your child’s needs.

Research tells us that strengthening a parents mentalising capacity helps build a secure attachment for your baby and enjoy a greater level of positive connection. 

You are also completing early role modelling for your child’s future ability to deal with strong emotions and understand it for what it is.

You can refer to earlier blogs to learn more about a secure attachment and infant temperament. 

So, let’s look at how you hold this elusive attitude in mind at times when your child’s behaviour is really challenging you.  

You may not be aware that your own parenting influences your automatic responses. If you were raised in a calm caring household, it will be easier for you to adopt this stance. 

If you learnt that children must respect authority or suffer the consequences. It will be harder for you to adopt this stance but well worth trying.  

It is about teaching yourself to watch and wonder what is happening for your child. By doing this, this you create a space to observe.

It’s easy to get pulled into reacting and forgetting that they operate with their own independent thoughts, feelings and motivations.

Ask yourself what is your child’s state? tired, hungry, jealous, anxious, happy, playful. 

 Likewise check in on your own state. 

Doing this allows you to move from seeing your child as angry to getting to the heart of what they need. 

 So how about we all practise adopting a stance of curiosity and compassion. It works with every interpersonal relationship.