I Am Here For You

The wonderful thing about being a parent is that it is never too late to make changes to how you want to be with your child. We are all a product of our own parenting and the parenting of all the generations before us. 

How compassionate are you towards yourself when you feel that old familiar pang of guilt, that often follows a parenting moment that doesn’t go so well?

This sounds a bit gushy but inside us all is the need to be loved.  Our children are a pure version of this as they have not built up walls to fend off feelings of hurt that accumulate throughout a life time. Being able to parent in a way that provides space for your child to offload, would surely be a more effective way to support them to deal with big emotions. 

 This is hard to do if your parenting taught you that it was unacceptable to be rude or act out. Couple this with living in a culture that reinforces the reward punishment ethos, it is easy to find yourself reacting to challenging behaviour. 

 Beneath your child’s externalised behaviour is an unmet need, big emotions and a need to understand or be understood. The moment we are hooked into how their behaviour makes us feel, it sends a message that it isn’t safe to express whatever it is they are feeling. This can be applied to relentless crying, food being thrown repeatedly on the ground, being told that I hate you, hitting out at a sibling and so on.

 Before you embark on this monumental shift, start by looking at your own self talk. Do you show compassion to yourself when you find yourself repeating old habits you’d like to change?

Remind yourself you are repeating what was most likely done to you. Chastising yourself only leads to an internalised form of self-punishment. You may not even be aware how natural it is for you to do this. 

 Another way of looking at it is putting yourself in the child’s shoes and asking how you would like to be treated.

 Start small and be prepared to put yourself into time out to regroup and breath until you’re ready to be there for them you are there for them no matter what is thrown at you.