How To Deal Better With Strong Emotions

 I recently completed a course in dialectic behaviour therapy (DBT) which is a psychological skills focused treatment for borderline personality. Approximately 6% of the population experience this disorder, characterised by rapid mood changes, self harm, fear of abandonment and extreme interpersonal difficulties. Due to stigma it often goes untreated but comes to the surface when caring for a young baby. For a child to thrive they need predictability, routine and most importantly a parent who is able to see their needs separate to their own. DBT principles can be useful for anyone looking for ways to cope better with early motherhood and beyond.

 DBT is designed to help people manage strong emotions by completing four models of intensive therapy to arm them with skills to improve their quality of life. A mother with good emotion regulation will also make a much more emotional available parent.

 I’m going to touch on each skill set and how each can be applied to the emotions that come up when sleep deprived and feeling challenged by parenting.

Mindfulness skills are taught to increase self -awareness and to learn to be more present to what is going on instead of being caught up in stress derived from past or future events. Before you think you need to find a dark room to practise, I suggest you start by tuning into your senses and start to observe yourself without judgement when doing everyday tasks such as cleaning, eating, playing and showering. Not easy to master but with practise you’ll be surprised what you notice about your ability to observe yourself and experiences.

The first thing we want to do when we feel awful is to take that feeling away. Distress tolerance is the first aid of dealing with heightened uncomfortable emotions. It involves accepting your feelings in that moment in a non-judging manner and applying distraction and self-soothing activities to manage the feeling. By changing your mindset to acceptance, it allows you to move through the emotion more efficiently. It could be imagining a pleasant scene, helping someone, engaging in strong sensations such as a hot shower or putting situation on the back burner for a moment. Keeping our emotions in check ensures we are better equipped to attend to our children’s needs.  

Whilst not many of us experience the heightened emotions of BPD, we all experience moments of intensity that are fuelled by how we interpret what has happened. Did you know you can change how you feel by simply calling to attention a strong positive memory of a time you felt really happy? We can also better regulate our emotions by understanding the triggers, accurate interpretation and work on modifying our thoughts and emotions through applying mindfulness and distress tolerance. Who hasn’t slept on a difficult emotion and woken up the next day with a more balanced view?

With better understanding, we can minimise suffering. One technique is to move towards the opposite emotion such as sadness by focusing on feeling happy as you engage in play.

Lastly interpersonal effectiveness. Do you ever have trouble communicating your needs to loved ones without feeling misunderstood or conflict erupting? Making time to prepare what you want to say, being sure to describe objectively, consider the other person, being prepared to stay on message and negotiate, can bring you closer to getting your needs met and better relationships. This technique builds on being able to apply emotion regulation skills to deliver your view calmly. All mums need to be able to ask for help sometimes.