Ghosts in the Nursery

Making peace with the relationship you hold with your own mother is essential to creating space for building a satisfying relationship with your child. I often say to women who describe feeling angry and let down by their mothers, to reflect on what type of mothering they had growing up.  It is normal to experiences memories of your own childhood when you become a mum. Prior to having children, you may have been able to overlook painful memories. Women experiencing postnatal challenges often experiences unresolved issues with the past and how it plays out in the present.

Ghosts in the Nursery (Fraiberg et al. 1975) wrote a pioneering book exploring this phenomenon. They are described as visitors from the past that play out like uninvited guests between mother and her baby. Through noticing times when you hear your mother’s voice, you are able to separate yourself from being drawn into the past. Perhaps you believe she was unavailable to your emotional needs. Or smothered with her love, with little space to be free and take risks. Being able to reflect on positive and negative childhood experiences is a useful method for drawing out how you want to be the same or different. It may also help you understand why she is behaving the way she is now. Being able to see the connections and name times when you are repeating patterns is the first step in making change. Breaking patterns is hard and sometimes they are passed down over generations.

It is important to make time to reflect on how we are going as mums. Do you feel like you are doing a good enough job?  Are you happy with the relationship you have with your mum? Whether she is present in your life or no longer due to death or conflict, her impact will be present. There are many ways to do this including talking to someone you trust to unpack the issues, journalling, meditating , noticing self talk and having open discussions with your mother about how you want things to be. At first it may be uncomfortable to come face to face with the past, so remember that noticing it, is half the battle.