Does your parenting style allow for big feelings?
Does your child ever experience abandonment?
Most of us will be quick to shut down that possibility. After all you diligently provide for all their physical needs to ensure they are raised in an environment where they feel safe and cared for.
It is true, children rely completely on their parents to keep a roof over their head, adequate food, clothing and protection from harmful abuse.
While we are busy taking care of their obvious needs, it is easy to overlook the more invisible emotional conditions a child requires to grow up with a healthy sense of self-worth. Attending to these needs is complicated by how well we were raised and how we respond to them when they exhibit strong negative emotions and challenging behaviours.
Take for example when your child comes to you in tears and tells you all things that they are unhappy with in their life. Could be problems with friends, struggling with school or anything that they deem as upsetting. With a younger child it could be persistent refusal to do what you say, ending in tantrums and you losing your cool.
Instinct kicks in and we want to rid our child of hurt or shift negative resistance, by swooping into fix it mode. You may offer to sort out the issues with their friend, hire a tutor or offer rewards to gain compliance to getting dressed, eating breakfast or to stop fighting with their sibling. On the surface, being a problem solver looks like it works but it fails to address emotional needs.
If this is how you were parented or you were often told you were over reacting, it will take quite a bit of practise to unlearn decades of reinforcement.
The next time your child comes to with a strong negative reaction, start by pausing and allowing some time to observe what is happening for them.
Next validate it by saying it is okay to feel how they do Your self-talk may tell you otherwise but go with it. For example, it is okay to be upset but not okay to hit.
Help them to put a label on their emotion. Could be sadness, worry, anger, jealousy or a physical sensation.
Now show them that you get it, step into their shoes and give feedback on what it feels like to be them. You were a kid once and perhaps the adults in your life shut down your feelings. As adults we often think we know best and jolly our kids along when we think they are over reacting. When we do this, we run the risk that they stop sharing for fear of invalidation.
Like any new skill it takes commitment and practise. You’ll also need to provide yourself with validation for any attempt you make to parent differently. Each time you do this you are investing in raising a child that feels confident to express them self.
