Have you Completed an Interpersonal Inventory?

It is not uncommon that the arrival of a new baby throws one’s intimate relationship into chaos. Research shows that the first year of parenthood can cause wobbles in the most solid of relationships. The impact of fatigue from sleepless nights, negotiating time for self and different parenting values can be difficult to navigate.

To help unpack what might be driving the conflict, I have had success assisting clients to complete an interpersonal inventory. Sometimes it draws out surprising patterns around:

 - comfort with control versus passivity

- asking for help versus seeking independence

- embracing intimacy or withdrawing from it

- cooperating or competing as parents

- embracing the new or feeling the losses of life before  

By looking forensically at significant early relationships, you can gain an understanding about what messages you learnt about yourself and what values were nurtured in you. For example, if you remember being raised by parents who enjoyed the experience, were openly affectionate and validated you, then you will transition more easily to the parent role. In contrast if your parents were not available due to their own conflict, demanding careers or had not processed their own childhood trauma, then it will be your job to process these experiences so they don’t get handed on. The good news is that forming positive connections with other family members, teachers, friends and significant others can buffer the effects of a difficult childhood.

Let’s try it now. Pick someone that was influential in your childhood and describe what they would say about you. Knowing who we are allows us to be better communicators about what our needs are and deal with conflict more effectively. These skills are critical throughout the journey of co-parenting.