Attachment… I’m not talking about how your arm is attached to your body.
We’d all like to feel securely attached to our nearest and dearest. I’m talking about that feeling of closeness felt towards another when the bond is a deep connection. If you are a parent or soon to be, you would be interested to know what you can do to help raise your child into a happy and confident adult.
In my upcoming book I spend a whole chapter explaining how to work out if your current relationships are secure and what you can do to help bond securely with your child.
When you have kids, you pay close attention to how you feel towards your child. It is like no other relationship you have had before. You will think about all the relationships you have had beforehand and how they compare. Perhaps you want to replicate how you were raised or be the complete opposite. Whatever the case may be, we usually want to be better in some way, which can be hard if your instinct is to worry or move away from your child’s distress.
Babies on the other hand, come into the world primed to connect and they don’t hold back. Depending on how tuned in and consistent your own parents were, we all start from a unique position.
Here’s a couple of tasters of how you might respond to a crying baby depending on your attachment style.
Securely attached parents readily attempt to settle and seek out help without worrying about judgement if they don’t know one cry from another.
Anxious ones internalise or feel highly anxious and wonder if they have caused the crying. Being able to name your own anxiety and see baby as separate, allows you to feel more comfortable. Taking a few slow deep breaths to centre yourself on the task at hand of settling baby.
Avoidance does not mean a lack of caring but may present itself with thoughts of frustration and urge to hand baby to someone else or robotically care ,while feeling shut down to cope. Seeking out support and learning about what is typical behaviour for babies will help you feel comfortable to go against instinct to move away.